Review: Bionic Woman

There are implants, and then there are implants.

A million years ago, when I was a pre-teenager and there were only 12 channels to choose from on TV and you had to get up off your ass to change them, a show premiered that amazingly seemed like it was being made just for me. After all, there really weren't superheroes on TV back then, unless you counted cartoons (or later, campy offerings like Greatest American Hero). So when The Six Million Dollar Man debuted, and featured a man who could run as fast as a car, jump several stories in a single bound, punch his way through a two foot thick stone wall, and see with a little bit of Superman's telescopic vision, I was practically beside myself. And when, a few years into Steve Austin's TV career, his lost flame Jamie Sommers was introduced, I was practically in love. Except minus the practically part. Forget about Chuck & Di! Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner were the royal couple back then, as far as I was concerned!

Fortunately, I haven't seen the original Bionic Woman, or The Six Million Dollar Man for that matter, since they ended roughly thirty years ago. Because of that, I have very fond, untainted memories of how great they seemed. I'm not sure I ever want to know how great they really were... or weren't. It's just better this way. Trust me.

And now NBC has dusted off the concept, updated the story, and reimagined Jamie Sommers for a whole new generation. Inflation's caught up with her, though, and she's now a Fifty Million Dollar Woman, if I heard that piece of dialogue correctly near the end. I guess that makes sense, as comics were only about 25 - 30 cents back then, and they're an easy $3.00 today.

So how was the new Bionic Woman? Well, it's in the mold of so many shows these days: full of mysteries, continuity-heavy, and much more in love with the greys than the blacks and whites we were so used to back in the 70s. The ultra-secret agency that upgraded Jamie after a life-threatening auto 'accident', it turns out, is where her boyfriend works, as well as being the goons who put together the 1.0 model - no, not Lindsay Wagner, way back when, but Battlestar Galactica's Katee Sackhoff in a pretty nice villainous turn here. Jamie 2007 also has an overwritten kid sister, who's a - wait for it - computer hacker or some such, because she's been banned from "connecting a computer to a phone line" (I guess she's OK to use wireless?) Some parts definitely worked better than others, including the special effects - no more slow-motion super-speed, for God's sake! - but it'll take some doing before I can get to the point of thinking the sister's anything other than a plot device. Or the show will get cancelled before then.

I guess I really just want to keep watching long enough to see if either of the two super-chicks ever figure out how to use their pairs of super strong legs in a fight, as apparently neither of them have had that particular shoe drop just yet. I'm thinking a super-kick really ought to knock an opponent through a wall or two... wouldn't it? No, really, wouldn't it? Now that would be great TV! Or something.

As such things go, Bionic Woman wasn't terrible. I'll come back a few more times to see where it goes. Or to find out it got cancelled (still bitter about Drive last season? Me? Sir no sir!)

Rating: ** 1/2